Resident Mad People
by Rezurii-chan
Summary: The Alpha team members don't want to be on the mission about the people getting eaten so they goof off. Chapter 9 is now up!
1. Alpha's Dilemma

* * *

A/N: I do not own Resident Evil or South Park. This just something silly I thought up. I hope you like it .

* * *

The S.T.A.R.S. helicopter flew over Raccoon forest, in search of Bravo team's helicopter. The S.T.A.R.S. members are getting and impatient and extremely bored.

Joseph: Captain? Can we land already? I have to pee…

Joseph's comrades look at him questioningly.

Wesker: Why didn't you go before we left?

Joseph: You rushed me onto the helicopter remember?

_1 hour before…_

_Joseph is walking to the bathroom._

_Wesker: Joseph! Where are you going?_

_Joseph: I have to pee!_

_Wesker: We have no time! Go get in the helicopter!_

Wesker: Ohhh. You'll just have to hold it.

Joseph: But what if I wet myself?

Chris: Then we will all laugh at you and feed you to mutated dogs.

Everyone: O.o

Brad: Captain! I see something!

Wesker, thinking it's important rushes to the cockpit.

Wesker: What? Where do you see it?

Brad: (pointing to a McDonald's sign) Look! It's the restaurant with the clown! Captain? Can we go home? I'm scared of clowns…

Wesker gets an aggravated look and smacks Brad upside the head.

Wesker: All of you look for smoke.

Jill: Did they start a campfire? Are we going to roast marshmallows!

Jill is excited and very eager to start roasting. Wesker shakes his head and glares at the over-excited woman.

Wesker: NO, Jill, their helicopter might have crashed… -.-

Joseph looks out the window and sees a gray billow of smoke rising from the trees below.

Joseph: I see it captain! Can we go back so I can pee now?

Wesker: No…Brad, land over there.

Brad: No! The helicopter will catch on fire and we'll all die! And then Raccoons will eat our corpses and then they'll get diseases and infect the entire world!

Wesker: You'll land this chopper or I'll shoot you in the head and Chris can land us…(pulling out his 9mm and aiming it at Brad's head)

Brad hesitates and then lands. The team members get out and start checking Bravo's helicopter. After securing it, they start checking the area for clues.

Joseph: Hey you guys! I found one of those fake hands! Cool! It has a gun attached to it!

Barry: Joseph, that's a _real _hand and the gun is real too.

Joseph: (dropping the hand in disgust) Eww… who would leave THAT laying in the weeds?

Wesker: (mumbling) Your mom…

Joseph: What was that, captain?

Wesker: I said, check the area before I blow your head off!

Joseph continues searching and hears a low, throaty growl. He looks up and searches for the source of the growl. Being as scared as he is, he wets himself.

Joseph: You guys! I just wet myself.

Chris: Get him doggies!

Zombie dogs jump out and start ripping Joseph apart. Jill, trying to feel sorry for Joseph, tries to act shocked.

Jill: Joseph!

Everyone looks around and ran back to the helicopter, trying to act as if nothing happened.

Jill: What if they don't believe us?

Barry: We'll use Chris as proof.

Chris: Noooooo! I'm innocent! I didn't mean to do it! (He looks around quickly) Wesker told me to do it! (He points to Wesker, who is drinking a bottle of Whiskey)

Wesker: I wouldn't want you doing my dirty work if the author gave me 26 billion dollars!

Chris: Just don't tell Claire! She'll get her psycho biker boyfriend to beat the snot out of me!

Jill: And then Chris will have me beat up by some little gangster from downtown!

They all run to the helicopter to see Brad leaving because he was scared of being on the ground too long.

Chris: I bet he's going to tell the cops on me! No! Don't go! I'll find a new guy to be Joseph!

The dogs are angry because they were told to eat every blonde guy that they saw, so they come chasing after the Alpha team members.

Jill: Come on! We have to run to the mansion!

They all run to the mansion and Barry stops outside and doubles over, breathing heavily. The door shuts and Barry sits on a chair outside, and starts looking at a gun magazine, while the zombie dogs try to find a way to get in so that they can eat Wesker.

Chris: There are only 3 members left of Alpha team. We don't know where Barry is.

Wesker: Haha! Stupid pooches! You'll never get me!

Jill: I broke a nail! (Tears start welling up in her eyes)

Chris: I'm narrating, damn it! Will you two shut the hell up!

Wesker: There you go, ruining my plans again!

Jill: Hey, Barry's outside. I have to get him! (She walks to the door and is about to open it)

Wesker: No, Jill! Don't open the door! Those dogs will come in here and eat me! Not to mention Chris will probably steal my sunglasses.

Chris: Drats! I'll have to find a new plan…(Takes out a notepad and starts jotting stuff down)

Barry comes in the door and slams it closed behind him.

Barry: Those dogs are hungry, Captain. I think you should go out and feed them.

Wesker: You're fired.

A loud thump is heard and Chris has somehow changed into his street clothes. Wesker is missing his sunglasses and they are now on Chris.

Wesker: Where'd my sunglasses go? I need them for Code: Veronica so I can scare the crap out of Chris!

Chris: Plan B worked perfectly.

Jill: Does anybody care what that noise was?

Barry: I hope it wasn't Chris.

Chris: I will be the coolest pimp in the whole game!

Wesker: You twig! You stole my sunglasses! I'm going to kill you! (He dives onto Chris and starts beating the shit out of him)

Chris: Ahhhh! Damn it! You can have your sunglasses back!

Wesker: (taking his sunglasses back) All right now you, Barry and Jill go investigate that noise!

Chris: Ok…Ow I think you broke my nose!

* * *

A/N: Well that's the end of Chapter one! Wait for more madness. 


	2. Loch Ness Monster

A/N: I'm glad you liked the first chapter! I hope you get a kick out of their new antics! Oh and I don't own Kool Aid. And yet again I don't own South Park.

* * *

Chris, Barry and Jill went through the dining room door, feeling extremely brave.

Chris: I am still the pimp! It doesn't matter that I had the sunglasses of power taken away!

Jill: But what does that make Wesker?

Barry: The Easter Bunny.

Chris: Yea! We should find him a basket and some eggs and jellybeans!

Jill: But the Easter bunny doesn't wear sunglasses…

Barry: He does now!

They see blood in front of the fireplace a few feet away.

Jill: Look guys! I see Kool Aid!

Chris: Cherry!

Barry: No, it's blood you guys…I hope it isn't Chris's.

Chris: I hope it's not mine too.

Jill: Hm. What a mess. I'm going to go look in that closet over there for paper towels.

Jill walks to the door across the room and opens it, walking into a musky hallway.

Jill: This isn't a closet. And what is that smell? (Grimaces in disgust)

Then, she hears something like chewing, but it is wet and tearing. She walks further down the hall and sees something or somebody eating Kenneth.

Jill: Oh my god! You killed Kenny! You Bastard!

The zombie turns, looking at Jill. It slowly rises to its feet and comes towards Jill, who shoots it with a potato gun. It drops to the ground in a heap.

Jill: Poor Kenny…

She then sees his Video Camera and somehow fits it in her pocket. Crazy Capcom. She then walks back to the dining room, where Chris and Barry are having a nervous breakdown about the blood being Chris's. She walks towards them, taking Kenneth's video camera from her magic pocket.

Jill: You guys look! It's Kenny's camera. This zombie guy was eating Kenny, but I shot him with my potato gun.

Barry: Oh my god! He killed Kenny!

Chris: That bastard!

Jill: Let's go find a TV and a VCR and all 4 of us will see what he recorded.

Nodding in agreement, the three alphas went back to the foyer to find Wesker missing. They stand in shock as they scan the room for any sign of a struggle.

Barry: It's ok; he probably went to give Easter eggs to helpless people in mental wards. I mean he is the Easter bunny, you know.

Jill: Yeah, but why didn't he leave us any jellybeans?

Chris: Because he's a selfish Easter bunny!

Barry: Oh well, I guess we'll have to go watch the tape by ourselves.

The three go to the room with the TV and VCR and put in Kenneth's tape, rewinding it to the beginning. Then Jill proceeds to push play.

In the same hallway that Jill was in before, Kenneth's camera scans the room and then turns to see Forest.

_Kenneth: Hey, brother! You startled me._

_Forest: Oh sorry, man. Hey, can I ask a favor of you?_

_Kenneth: Sure, man! What do ya need?_

_Forest: I need about Tree Fiddy…_

_Kenneth: Damn it Loch Ness Monster! I ain't giving you no tree fiddy!_

_The loch ness monster comes out of the Forest suit and looks at Kenneth._

_Nessy: Well, how about just one fiddy?_

_Kenneth: Oh? Now it's only one fiddy? What are you going to do with money! You're a damn crustacean!_

_Nessy: If you don't give me tree fiddy, I'll sick my zombie on you!_

_Kenneth: I still ain't giving you no damn tree fiddy!_

_A zombie comes out of a door and eats Kenneth, and then the tape ends._

Chris: Damn. That must have sucked!

Jill: We should split up and look for Wesker. So we can tell him about the loch ness monster.

Once again, the three nod in agreement and leave the room. They split up and begin the search for Captain Easter bunny.

* * *

A/N: Well they're on the search for Captain Easter- I mean Wesker. I hope you liked it. . 


	3. Bad service and British pooches

A/N: Hey everyone! Sorry I haven't gotten the 3rd chapter up in so long! I've been busy. So here's chapter 3 of Resident Mad People. I do not own Resident Evil, Dominos Pizza or 7/11.

Wesker sat in the nearest room that had a phone. He had been listening to the whole thing in the next room. As he pondered their words, his stomach growled.

Wesker: Food…(picks up phone and dials Dominos on instinct)

Angry server: (answers the phone) What do you want!

Wesker: Umm…(blinks) I would like to order a pizza.

Angry server: That's what you all want, isn't it! Well, what if I don't want to sell pizza to you! What if I'd rather keep it all to myself!

Wesker: Just shut up and take my $#!& order!

Angry server: You wanna start something?

Wesker: Listen, bitch! I work for S.T.A.R.S.! I will hunt you down and beat your ass!

Angry server: (lies) I was trained in Martial arts for 12 years, old man!

Wesker: (eyebrow twitches) OLD! WHO THE HELL YOU CALLIN' OLD!

Angry server: Your momma, bitch!

Manager: (in background) Give me the phone!

The manager takes the phone from the server, glaring at him.

Manager: I'm sorry for the inconvenience. Now what was your order?

Wesker: Umm…a large pepperoni and umm…that's all.

Manager: Ok, and your address?(jots the order down)

Wesker: The Spencer Mansion, Arklay Mountains…

Manager: We don't deliver…(hangs up)

Wesker: That bastard…

Wesker thinks for a minute and then dials the 7/11 store, located at the foot of the mountains (don't ask…just some fun randomness). Unknown to him, Chris is on another phone and has listened to the whole thing.

7/11 Zombie: Urrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr?

Chris: Waaaaazzzzzzzuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup?

Wesker: You son of a bitch! Get off the phone before I beat the shit out of you!

Chris: You can't touch this…I am the coolest pimp in the whole game.

Leon: (on another phone in the 7/11 store) You wish you were! I get ALL the chicks. Ya know why?

Chris: Keep your hands off my sister!

Leon: Because I'm cool, sexy, and…I wear a uniform. (Grins, his smile blinding Chris and the zombie through the phone).

Wesker: (Laughs maniacally) Behold! My sunglasses kick your ass!

Chris: My eyes! I'm blind!(Starts running around and he runs flat into the door)

7/11 Zombie: URRRRRRR!(Dies)

Wesker: Screw you guys! I'm raiding the kitchen! (Hangs up angrily and leaves the room, punching a zombie's head off as he storms past.)

MEANWHILE…

Jill hummed happily to herself as she walked down a long, L-shaped hallway. Then, two of the dogs burst through the window. They growl and then stop, looking around.

Dog 1: (with a thick, British accent) I say, where is the one with those _ridiculous_ sunglasses?

Dog 2: (also has the accent) Quite. Err, pardon me, Miss.

Jill: Hmm?

Dog 1: Have you seen your Captain anywhere?

Jill: Captain Easter bunny went to deliver Easter eggs to the mental patients… He should be back soon though.

Dog 1: Damn! I knew we shouldn't have asked her!

Dog 2: Well she looked intelligent!

Dog 1: That doesn't mean she is, you twat!

Jill sneaks away from the quarreling, infected mutts and walks on. She begins humming happily and wonders what the other STARS members are doing.

A/N: Well, that's all for now. I should have Ch. 4 up sometime… Ta!


	4. Rocker Zombies and Cartmanlike Rebecca

A/N: Here's the long awaited Chapter 4! Hooray! Enjoy, kiddies! I don't own anything in this story…

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Barry is walking down a hallway, looking at all the doors.

Barry: Why the _hell_ would you paint a door that color?

As the middle-aged, gun-loving man ponders this, there is a loud crash and a scream.

Barry: Eh? What was that?

Zombie down hallway: RRRRRRUUUUUUUURRRRR! Yea! Rock on!

Barry: WTF?

Barry walks down the hallway and opens a door to see a messy room full of dirty clothes and rock band posters. In the middle of the room, sporting a bass guitar and an amp, is a zombie dressed in all black with black hair and tattoos.

Barry: The hell is this?

Zombie: Hey, man, I'm like practicing for my band and stuff!

Barry: But you're a zombie! You're supposed to be eating people's brains and all that!

Zombie: My name is Jim! I'm sick of eating people… so I'm going to be in a rock band!

Jim begins singing a song and playing his guitar. Barry covers his ears, having never heard such a terrible thing. Jim finishes his song and looks to Barry.

Jim: So what'd you think, old man? Was that rockin' or what?

Barry: That was terrible! You about busted out my goddamn eardrums!

Jim: You old people have no taste for good music…

Barry leaves but not before Jim hands him a poster that says "The Rocking Stoned Zombies" on it.

Barry: What the hell kind of a name is that for a band?

Meanwhile:

Chris, after waking up from knocking himself unconscious on the door, is walking through the mansion when he realizes he has to pee really badly. He runs to a random door and flings it open, only to be sprayed in the eyes with cheese.

Chris: AHHHHHHH! I'M BLIND AGAIN! WHY IS EVERYTHING ORANGE?

Rebecca: Chris, shut up or I'm going to kick you in the nuts!

Chris, not wanting to become sterile, automatically shuts up. Rebecca pours water on his head and the cheese falls off.

Chris: You're a miracle worker!

Chris throws his arms around Rebecca and hugs her tightly.

Rebecca: Do that again and I'm going to kick you in the nuts…

Later, as they're walking down the L-shaped hallway, Rebecca takes out a stick and walks up to a crow and hits it with the stick.

Rebecca: Bad!

The crow falls over and dies. Chris, freaked out by the Bravo's actions, inches away from her. Eventually, after an hour of studying the paintings and arguing over the artists with Rebecca, Chris decides to solve the puzzle. After he solves it, he goes to the hole where the one painting fell off and picks up the crest.

Chris: What the hell is this?

Rebecca: It's a coaster!

Chris: Shut up…bitch.

The two leave the room with their newfound, brass coaster and Chris continues his tracking of Captain Wesker, the Easter Bunny.

A/N: Well, I'm stopping here. Sorry if this one isn't as good as the others. I'm not very inspired tonight. I think in the next chapter my character, Dawn (who is Jill's cousin BTW), shall make a guest appearance. Well, ta, all! Wesker gives his regards from the kitchen!


	5. Darn block puzzles!

A/N: Hey! Sorry the last chapter sucked so badly. I'll try and make this one better. Oh! And I lied about my OC being in this. I decided not to put her in. Well, enjoy, lovelies! I don't own Resident Evil, or Scooby Doo.

* * *

Where were we? Ah, yes. Jill made her way through a maze of hallways and decided to go through one of the doors because she thought it was pretty. As she entered it she smelled that smelly outside smell.

Jill: I love the smelly outside smell!

So, she walked down the long walkway until she reached a big door. She studied it and then saw some shiny thing on the wall.

Jill: Oooo…Shiny! Look, Miss Author lady, it's shiny!

Author: That's nice, Jill, now let me continue the narration…

Anyways, she noticed that there was an explanation by some indents in the shiny plaque thing.

Jill: Hmm…It's a shame I can't read! Hey! What're these indent thingies? Are they like those little shape, block thingies I used to play with?

Author: No! It's a puzzle! You have to find crests so the door can open!

Jill: Oh…What's that say? (_Points to sign)_

Author: It says," When the sun sets in the west and the moon rises in the East, stars will begin to appear in the sky and wind will blow toward the ground. Then the gate of new life will open."

Jill: That's really stupid, Miss Author lady!

Author: You're on your own from now on!

Who cares about Jill? Let's go find out what Enrico's doing! We find Enrico standing in an office, talking to Mystery Inc.

Enrico: So Wesker was behind it all along?

Velma: Jinkies!

Fred: Good work, gang! Now that we've unraveled this mystery, how are we going to warn the rest of the S.T.A.R.S. team about Wesker's evil plan?

Enrico: I know! I'll tell Jill! She'll listen!

Shaggy: Like, that's a good idea, Enrico!

Scooby: Ryeah!

Enrico: You kids be careful! This place is dangerous!

The lovely friends wave goodbye and Enrico leaves. Sadly, the crows and Cerberuses find the Mystery Inc. gang before they can leave so they all become zombies. How sad. On with the story!

Birkin: When am I in the story?

Author: You're not…

Birkin: Why?

Author: 'Cause I don't like you and you smell funny.

Alfred: Yea!

Author: Alfred, this is the first Resident Evil. You don't come in until Code: Veronica.

Alfred: Oh, drat! Why didn't you tell me this was the wrong game?

Author: You just showed up!

Alfred: I'm telling Alexia!

Author: (_Watches him leave)_ Hmmm…Poor guy. He's kinda deranged.

Birkin: I hate you people!

Author: Birkin! Go away so I can tell the story!

Well, now that those silly, blonde men are gone, we can continue our story! Well, Forest had just found- what? Oh? We're out of time for today? Well, shoot! I guess you'll all just have to find out in the next chapter. ;-; (How very sad)

* * *

A/N: Awww, drat. Darn Publishers! Oh well, Captain Easter Bunny is chasing Birkin with a sedative to try and calm him down so I have to go and save the world from sleepy destruction! Ta, lovelies! And be looking' for Ch. 6! 


	6. Sudoku, Crocodile Dundee, and Jim Bob

(Cheesy Superhero music plays) Chapter 6 to the rescue! My God, it's been forever since I've worked on this story! Geez! I hope you all didn't die waiting for this chapter…Cause I'll help pay for your funeral if you did! I'm really sorry it took this long! I don't own Resident Evil or any other copyrighted organization/show/game I mention in this chapter.

* * *

Where were we? Oh! I was telling you what that cutie, Forest, found up on that little balcony!

Forest had been looking for something to do all night and blowing zombies up with the bazooka just wasn't fun anymore. As he made his way out onto the balcony something caught his eye at the end of the small walkway.

Forest: Le Gasp! Could it be?!

Angelic Choir: Tadaaaaaa!

Forest: Sudoku! It's a miracle!

In excitement, Forest ran over and grabbed the book, hugging it happily. He took a pencil from his vest pocket and began working on the puzzle. Soon, a flock of crows had flew up to see what the boyish, Southern hottie was working on.

Crow 1: Hey, you!

Forest: (looks up) Who?

Crow 1: You! Whatcha doin'?

Forest: I am doing Sudoku! It is the most magnificent thing in the world.

Crow 2: I want to do one!

Forest: NO! MY BOOK YOU DUMB BIRD!

Well, said crows did NOT like being called dumb because they were actually quite intelligent. So, in an angry rage, they pecked poor Forest to death and stole his Sudoku book. Now you all know how poor, smexy Forest Speyer _actually_ died, and also why Sudoku is so popular. You can all thank Forest for his fad-starting abilities.

Meanwhile, our lovable Captain Easter Bunny had discovered Barry down in the kitchen. Barry was eating a sandwich, which made Wesker very confused.

Wesker: I could have sworn that one dude burned all the food in the mansion in order to follow through with his diet…

Barry: Oh my God! It's the Easter Bunny!

Wesker: What?

Barry: Are you done delivering eggs and candy?

Wesker: Barry, what the hell are you talking about?

Barry: Aren't you the Easter Bunny?

Wesker: What? No!

Barry: Then, you're the Tooth Fairy!

Wesker: No!

Barry: Then you're-

Wesker: WILL YOU JUST SHUT THE HELL UP FOR A MINUTE?!

Barry: K…(munches on sandwich)

Wesker sighed and shook his head at his empty headed subordinate.

Wesker: Look, I need your help with something…

The Captain then explained the situation to Barry, who sat there like a little kid at story time.

Barry: So why am I helping?

Wesker: Because if you don't I'll murder your family using my outside sources…

Barry:…Wait! Does this mean Moira and Polly won't get anymore Easter eggs or candy, meaning that Kathy and I will have to buy them ourselves????

Wesker: You know what? I give up! Sure, why the hell not?

Barry: Noo! Have mercy Captain Easter Bunny! I'll do whatever you ask!

Wesker, after being severely pissed off all while getting the job done, went upstairs to find a place to shoot himself. Barry, however, went to find some of them coasters that Wesker told him about.

Meanwhile, upstairs, Jill had found a very nifty shotgun to take with her. She was now messing around and pretending to shoot zombies with it.

Jill: Bam! Bam! Ha ha! I killed you dead, you stupid zombie!

Getting bored with her shenanigans, she decided to leave and thus headed out to the room with the high ceiling. But, as soon as the door closed behind her, the white ceiling started coming down.

Jill: Awww…fudge. (Runs to other door) Ahhh! Help me! The Government found out about all my undeserved tax cuts!

Somehow, Barry had come across the door and heard Jill screaming.

Barry: Jill?

Jill: Jim Bob?

Barry: No, it's Barry!

Jill: Oh…well, we need Jim Bob!

Barry: Why?

Jill: Because the government found out about my tax scams and now they're trying to smush me! Jim Bob has a boomstick and he can shoot down the door!

Barry: Wait…who's Jim Bob?

Jill: Ahhh!

Barry opens the door and pulls Jill out of the room just as the ceiling comes completely down.

Barry: Who's Jim Bob?

Jill: My squirrel from Kentucky…

Barry: You have…a squirrel?

Jill: Yeah. From Kentucky.

Barry: Did you ever consider that crack might be bad for you?

Jill: Drugs are bad…m'kay? I don't do drugs cause they're bad, m'kay?

Barry: Jill! Shut up! Go find the damn coasters!

Barry then stormed off, leaving Jill to stare at the ceiling and wonder where they kept the Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches.

Dog 1: Where's that bloody blonde man?

Author: Which one?

Dog 2: That traitorous S.T.A.R.S. captain…

Author: Oh! Wesker is…ummm…I'm not sure where he is right now…

Dog 1: Well, if you see him, tell him Fluffy and Poopsie have business with him!

Author: Fluffy and Poopsie?…Hahahahaha!!

Dog 2: What's so funny?

Author: You guys are badass Doberman zombies and you have names like Fluffy and Poopsie?

Dog 2: We can't help it!

Dog 1: Birkin was drunk!

Birkin: I was not!

Author: Did I not tell you, Birkie, that you are NOT in this story?!

Birkin: I can make cameos!

Author: No!

Birkin: I am your superior!

Author: Yeah…but, I can control you.

Birkin: What?

Birkin then went back to work at the Umbrella Factory in Raccoon city, and left us the hell alone for the rest of the story.

Now…Richard…Richard thought he was Mick "Crocodile" Dundee. He thought he could tame any beastie.

Richard: Crikey…I lost me knife! I hope that huge snaky doesn't decide to play rough…

So, he went to the attic and found said beastie chilling out and playing poker with some mesh monkeys.

Yawn: Hey! That'sss cheating!

Paul the Mesh Monkey: It definitely is not!

Richard: Hello, Snaky!

The mesh monkeys, thinking the cops are after them, run away back to the labs.

Yawn: Who in God'sss name are you?

Richard: Don't worry, mate! I ain't gonna hurt ya!

Yawn: Mate? Sssay, are you one of thossse sssnake huntersss?

Richard: Naw, I don't hurt snakes!

Yawn: Then, what do you want?

Richard stopped to think, not really knowing what he wanted. He blinked and hooked his thumbs in his front belt loops.

Richard: Y'know, I'm not sure!

Yawn: Then, go away…

Richard: Awww…alright.

The giant snake followed the downtrodden man to the door. But, while Richard was walking down the stairs, he tripped on his bootlaces. The Yawn caught him in his mouth and sat him on the floor.

Yawn: Are you alright?

Richard: Yeah, thanks!

Richard continued on to the multi-pillar room where he proceeded to pass out from blood loss. Now you know why Mr. Snake bit Richard. It was a terrible accident.

Wesker: Hurry up!

Author: Shut your mouth!

Wesker: Don't tell me to-

Author: Old!

Wesker: W-what?

Author: Old, old, old!

Wesker: Nooo! I'm not old! I'm not!

Author: Mrs. Wesker's mom…

Wesker's mom: Albert James Wesker, you stop being such a big brat or I'll tell your father and take away your chemistry set!

Wesker: Yes, Mommy…I'll be good…

Author: You mean evil…

Wesker: Eh?

Author: You're evil, not good.

Back to the story…Wesker was hiding out in the bar, where he had found some scotch. Apparently, the key had already been found so there was no need for anyone else to come back.

Wesker: 55 bottles of beer on the wall…

* * *

A/N: Awww…we have to end here for now. The next chapter will have some Wesker drunkenness I promise. Hope I get some reviews! 


	7. Macbeth and Bologna

A/N: Right, so where did I leave you all hanging from? Wesker getting drunk I do believe…  
Wesker: WOOHOO!

Wesker, please put your clothes back on before I go blind…anyways, let's continue!

Disclaimer: I do not own Resident Evil, and did not write Macbeth. Lovely William Shakespeare, God rest his soul, did. Capcom owns Resi and I love them dearly. I don't own Final Fantasy either.

* * *

When we last left the happy Alpha team (Even though I suspect some of them might not be as happy as Wesker right now) Wesker was getting drunk, Barry saved Jill from becoming a sandwich, and we haven't checked in with Chris for a while.

Chris: REBECCA! SHUT. THE HELL. UP!

Rebecca: No! It's fun!

Rebecca continues to sing the Oscar Meyer Bologna song, much to Chris's annoyance. He swears up and down that he put a piece of bologna in the microwave once and when he opened the door, it tried to eat him. No one believes him to this day.

Rebecca: _'Cause Oscar Meyer has a way with B-O-L-O-G-N-A…_

Chris: (pointing his berretta at her temple) If you do not shut up, I will shoot you and dispose of your body in an inhumane way.

Rebecca: Like that deer you hit two days ago?

Chris: Don't tell the fans about the deer!!

Rebecca: Pay me 20 bucks…

Chris: (searches his pockets) Awww…all I have is 25…

Rebecca: Deal.

Chris, being the mathematically challenged idiot he is, gives her 25 dollars and 14 cents. How did he even graduate from High school we wonder. Let's check in to see what our beloved Captain Easter Bunny is doing…

Wesker: "Hail, king! For so thou art: behold, where stands the usurper's cursed head: the time is free: I see thee compass'd with thy kingdom's pearl, that speak my salutation in their minds; whose voices I desire aloud with mine: Hail, King of Scotland!"

Wesker has been reciting all of Macbeth to a mop he found in the corner. He named the mop Alyssa and he has decided that "Alyssa" is his new girlfriend. This, children, is why Wesker should never ever have scotch. He becomes stupider than Chris, which is quite, quite stupid indeed.

"Alyssa" Which is really Wesker with his voice at a higher pitch: Oh, Albert, that was so magnificent! I've never heard anyone recite the whole play ofMacbeth before within a 10-minute period!

Wesker: It was magnificent wasn't it?

Wesker's starting to scare the hell out of me so let's go back to Chris who, while we were watching Wesker recite Macbeth to a mop, ran into Jill! Oh, happy day!

Jill: Oh, Chris! I missed you so!

Chris: For God's sake, this isn't some play! Knock it off!

Jill: Sorry, the author made me do it…

Chris: Don't go making this about her!

Rebecca: I know! We can sing some Britney Spears!

Chris and Jill: NO!

So, Chris and Jill found some duct tape and used it on Rebecca. Rebecca takes 15 damage. The victory fanfare from Final Fantasy plays. Humph, what a strange occurrence.

Jill: Chris, you're using hax!!

Chris: No I'm not!

Jill: Then why did you level up like 6 times?

Chris: Shut up!

Hmm, maybe I shouldn't have said that. Now they think they're in an RPG. How very, very, sad. Wait, whatever happened to Enrico?! Last time we saw him, he was talking to the Mystery Inc. gang! Poor them…

Enrico: THEY DIED?! Author lady, how could you let this happen?!

Author: It just happened, now don't interrupt!

Somehow, Birkin has decided to break the restraining order that we had placed on him in the last chapter. Crazy scientists and their manipulative ways…

Birkin: I'd just like to let you all know that I have officially decided I am in no way in league with Wesker. He is a drunken imbecile and his actions make a mockery of the whole company. Thank you.

Zombies: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!

Some of the zombies start clapping and some of them find out that's not a very good idea. This is only because their hands fall off. Silly zombies! Clapping is for people whose tendons aren't rotting out of their wrists! Well, that's all for now, childrens! Be good and be responsible with weapons and cooking utensils!

* * *

A/N: Well, here it is. Chapter 7. Did I make you all wait long enough? Lol Anyways, be good and wait patiently for chapter 8. 


	8. Barry the Brawny and Chris's Sexuality

A/N: Hey, I missed you guys! Look what I got for you because you all waited so patiently! Chapter 8! Umm…the song that I mention in this chapter inspired me to write this chapter. I find it funny…I have no idea why I think drunken people are funny. Curse my humor! Anyways, I don't own Show Me the Way to Go Home, Resident Evil, or any other randomly mentioned series and or "catch phrase" copyrighted by someone else.

* * *

Now…Chris and Rebecca found Rich-

Wesker, Birkin, Barry, and Billy: "Show me the way to go home. I'm tired and I wanna go to bed. Oh, I had a little drink about an hour ago and it went right to my head. Wherever I may roam, on land or sea or foam, you can always hear me singing this song. Show me the way to go home."

Author: What the hell?!

Wesker, Birkin, Barry, and Billy: "SHOW ME THE WAY TO GO HOME! I'M TIRED AND I WANNA GO TO BED! OH, I HAD A LITTLE DRINK ABOUT AN HOUR AGO AND IT WENT RIGHT TO MY HEAD! WHEREVER I MAY ROAM, ON LAND OR SEA OR FOAM, YOU CAN ALWAYS HEAR ME SINGING THIS SONG! SHOW ME THE WAY TO GO HOME!"

Author: Shut up, you drunken idiots! I'm trying to tell a frickin' story!

Leon: Hey, author lady, I have a tranquilizer gun!

Author: Leon, I could kiss you.

Leon: Please do!

Author: (punches him and takes the tranq. Gun) Thank you! (Tranqs. The drunken Quartet)

Now that THAT'S taken care of… Jill had just discovered something quite startling. She had walked into a room where she had just killed a zombie and found that it wasn't there anymore and neither was its blood!

Jill: OMG! Where'd he go?

Barry: Jill, what's the matter?

Jill: The zombie disappeared!

Chris: I think Barry's the Brawny man!

Jill: Oh my God! For real?!

Chris: Yeah! That's why the zombies get cleaned up!

Barry: Fear my paper towels!

Jill: Hooray for the Brawny man! He makes our survival horror game a lot cleaner!

Barry: (winks)

That's weird…Well, let's try and find someone more interesting, shall we? How about Enrico? We haven't checked in with him since chapter 5!

Enrico: …I can't get into the Mansion!! RAWR!! starts gnawing on plant

Oh no…he's lost _his_ mind too! Why does everybody in this story go crazy?!

Birkin: I think it's because you make them, Miss Author.

Author: Shut up, Willy! I'll sick Nemmy on you and he'll use his magic Nemmy powers to kick your brainy ass!

Birkin:…

Why does he keep interrupting? Anyways, Enrico (after his mental break down) found a secret hole behind the waterfall in the courtyard. So, rather than hurting himself trying to get in the mansion, he decided to wait it out and maybe someone would come along…maybe.

Wesker:…I hate you.

Author: Excuse me?

Wesker: You heard me! I hate you! I hate you, I hate Chris, I hate Jill, and I hate everybody! Especially that stupid Taco Bell Chihuahua! He keeps trying to sell me chalupas!

Taco Bell Chihuahua: ¡Viva Gordita!

Wesker: Shut up, damn you! I want pizza! I don't want any damn tacos! I hate tacos! And I hate dogs!

I think Wesker just had a bad childhood. What do you think, ladies and gentlemen? Let's continue. That's what I think. Well, Jill found Richard but Jill always thought he was a creep so she abandoned him. So, then, Chris and Rebecca the Medic found our poor Mr. Aiken. Chris's heroism automatically kicks in at the sight of the bleeding Communications expert.

Chris: Look, Rebecca! It's Richard and he's bleeding to death! Don't worry, I know CPR!

Rebecca: I'm the freaking medic, you worthless piece of crap!

Chris: But, I know CPR! Hang in there, man, I'll save you!

Poor Richard gained consciousness right as Chris was about to give the poor guy CPR. Only, that's not what Richard thought Chris was trying to do. Thus, in a hysterical frenzy, Richard shoved Chris off of him and made him hit a pillar.

Richard: Sorry, man, I don't swing that way.

Rebecca can't stop herself from laughing and bursts into a hysteric fit of it, followed by a series of nerdy snorts. Chris honestly has no clue what Richard means, but thinks he still saved the Bravo's life. He tries to clap Aiken on the shoulder but the Bravo scoots away, giving him an uncomfortable look.

Chris: What? I wash my hands after I use the bathroom…

Richard: Don't touch me…I have a girlfriend…yeah.

Chris: Jealous type is she?

Richard: What? I…No! She's….ugh! I like girls!

Chris: I like girls too!

Richard: Then why did you just try and kiss me, you queer?!

Chris: Kiss…you? Ewww! I was giving you CPR, man! What the hell?

Rebecca: Damn I wish I had a camera!

This situation, while amusing, is rather awkward, so let's go see what Barry's doing. Wait…Aww…sorry, folks. I guess that's all for right now. But, I promise we'll spy on the Brawny man later!

* * *

A/N: Ok…woo! That got kinda out of control. But, at least it's here. Be happy! Lol Sorry, I don't mean to be pushy.


	9. That Evil McDonald's Coorporation

A/N: Well, Happy early Christmas

A/N: Ok, I didn't have Internet for a looooong time so I'm gonna try and finish up this story. Can I get an Amen, brothers and sisters?

Leon: Amen!

Shut up, Leon…

* * *

Where were we? Barry! Yeah! Alrighty…Barry found a kitchen downstairs and decided he was going to make himself a sandwich. That's kind of gross considering all the food is probably contaminated with T-Virus cooties.

Barry: Mmm…I love sandwiches!

Wesker: (mysteriously appears out of no where) Hey, Barry, whatcha doin'?

Barry: JEBUS! (drops his sandwich on the floor) Whoa! Hey, Captain Easter Bunny!

Wesker: What? Yeah, I'm not even going to ask. Ahem. I wanted to talk to you, Barry.

Barry: AM I GETTING FIRED?! I CAN'T GET FIRED! I HAVE TWO POODLES TO FEED!

Wesker: Uhhh…what about your wife, Cathy, and your daughters?

Barry: Eh? Oh, yeah. Cathy can cook.

Wesker: Ok…tell me something, Barry. Is your wife a decent weight?

Barry: Eh heh heh heh…for having two kids, yeah.

Then, Wesker splained his devious, evil plan to Barry and he also splained Barry's role in it. Barry stared at Wesker a long while and then it occurred to him what all of that meant.

Barry: But that's illegal and meeeaaan. (pouts)

Wesker: I'ma tell you something, Barry. If you don't do this little job I have for you, I have some men outside your house from McDonald's. Those men will give your wife and sweet little daughters a lifetime supply of McDonald's food. Do you know what that means, Barry?

Barry: NOOOOO! NOT DA MCDONALD'S!!!

Wesker: I asked you a question!!!! (punches a hole in the fridge)

Barry: O.O;; Umm…it means my wife won't be hot anymore and…uhhh…my daughters will grow up and be covered in pimples and get made fun of for being obese and will ultimately hate themselves?

Wesker: Precisely.

Barry: Nooo! You horrible, evil man! I oughta roundhouse kick you right here and now!

Wesker: (tuts) All I need is to make one little call and bye bye family.

Barry: But…Fine. I'll do it. Just _please_ don't put your McDonald's dogs into action.

So, Wesker left to do other maniacal, evil actions.

* * *

A/N: Ok…woo! That got kinda out of control. But, at least it's here. Be happy! Lol Sorry, I don't mean to be pushy.  I'm sorry the chapter's short, too. :(


End file.
